My Nightmare, Revisited

Last couple of weeks

2004-11-21T23:16:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a good while this time. I don't have anything at all to say other than I've been working a lot and I am no longer degrading myself by seeing Stephanie. I feel great. I've also been drinking a lot this past month. Or week. Can't tell anymore.

A Short One Tonight

2004-11-03T01:24:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired. I had a long week of working and it felt GREAT!! I didn't go to bed last night until this morning at 5:30am. I was out late with Buck and his girlfriend, Amanda until about 3am or so before I came home and saw that I had gotten and unintentional email. That means that someone sent me an email that wasn't intended for me to
see. . .I know I was NEVER meant to see that one. . .

I've got something that I could write about for a good while but I don't want it to be "general" or "public" knowledge just yet. Gotta keep somethings under wrap. It's a big decision and I feel that I have all the facts that I need to make it and even though I've got a problem with decision-making, I feel that this one isn't that hard. I'll get to it soon enough. It depends on someone else's timing and everything like that. It'll make sense soon enough, if you haven't already figured it out. There's plenty of clues everywhere throughout my blog posts.

In my reading, I've drifted even further behind. I just can't bring myself to pick up the book for more than twenty minutes or so before I get bored. This one is tough to get through. I don't want to read anything else though and I want to finish the story before. . .my birthday. That seems like a decent time frame. It'll give me about 4 months to finish reading three-and-a-half books.

I've gone through all my mp3 media on the computer and set everything in WMP to be more. . .uniform. I'm listening to POE's album "Haunted" and all I can feel is how I felt when I listened to it last year. I spent a month or so when it was the only CD that went into my car. It's not the greatest of feelings, but my writing will definately benefit from this. I simultaneously love and hate these feelings, the people involved, this time of year and the band. I usually love mid-late Fall/Autumn but when listening to this CD that changes. I do feel happier about myself though. Nostalgia sucks sometimes.

I'd just like to point out that this entire post that you've read is really just one long thought. Every bit of this is directly related in a very specific way. In a week or so, when I reveal what I'm trying to hide, I'll explain this; since no one will want to re-read all this and try to figure it out for themselves. Especially when you might not get it just right.

Hmm. . .about six minutes into "Wild" of POE's "Haunted" Album I am reminded of a trip Stephanie and I took to a nature park in Havre De Grace or somewhere. Can't quite remember which town or the name of the park, either for that matter.

Well, I'm getting really tired now and I want to get some sleep. Besides, my back is hurting too. So, G'Night all.

An actually good day

2004-10-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

That's what I had today, an actually good day. I had my second day of "actual" work. I had my first "actual". . ."date" with Stephanie in a week. Yes, today was an "actual" day.

Let's see, I don't think I've mentioned that I'm working now. Yep, Tuesday I had the orientation that had been rescheduled from the previous week. I made it through orientation and also worked yesterday and today. The schedule kinda sucks: 11am-8pm. For now my week is Thursday thru Monday. It might change I've been told several times, although Friday - Sunday is a definate "You're working" period. It's cool, I met some guys that help me out and show me how to get around certain things that are just a pain to deal with. But. . .somehow, I find myself wanting to do things the right way. Oh, God. I think I've grown up.

Well, I finally got to see Stephanie again. After being stood up twice, last Friday and Monday. Then I finally talk to her on Tuesday... or was it yesterday? Anyway, she said that we shouldn't make plans anymore since hers frequently change at the last moment and I always end up getting shit on. So, there was a possibility that she would stop in to Wal-Mart yesterday and apparently did while I was in the back taking tests on the computer. I didn't find that out until today. I called her cell phone while I was on my last break and surprise! It rang instead her voice mail picking up instantly. I was shocked and still was even when she answered. She told me that she couldn't talk because she was getting ready to take a shower. I'll admit, I was pissed. I thought she was pulling the same BS that she used to the last time we had dated. It turns out she wasn't when I called her after I got home. I called this time to find out what was going on and if I should accept an offer from one of the girls I work with, seeing as how it seems she wanted nothing to do with me. It turned out that her mother was next to her and she didn't want her mom to know she was talking to me. She's too afraid to tell her mom that she wants to be with me again even though she knows already and says that Stephanie is just desperate and confused. If that turns out to be true, I'll have to cut off her mom's head. . .I'm not sure why yet, though. Maybe I should figure that one out. . . (I'm still re-adjusting to what it's like having a job. I'm a little deranged right now, I'll be better soon.) I should just edit that all out but, I feel it shows how hard it's been on me to not work for so long.

My reading has slowed down a lot. Mainly because my reading hours, which are usually between 11am - 4pm are spent at work. I would take my book to read on lunch, but Wal-Mart requires you have a receipt for the book *STAPLED* to the front cover! How horrible, HORRIBLE is that? I could never defile a book in that way. So, I cannot read while at work. I've only covered about 50 or so pages since my last post which is pathetic in my opinion. I can't wait to get through this one, The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands, because it's. . .kinda boring. I hate to say it but it is. I love the story, the settings, the characters (Jake is kinda boring for right now...), just about everything is wonderful. . .except the third book.

Well, it's getting late and I want to read a bit before I doze off. Plus I told my brother I'd only want the computer for about 45 minutes and It's been closer to twice that now. I'm sick or having allergies right now. I haven't been able to breath right for the past few days. I took some Allegra D last night but forgot it this morning. Tons 'o dust at Wal-Mart. It's the same anywhere though. Oh well.

Dammit!!! I still haven't picked out a Halloween Costume or anything yet. Shit, I'm almost out of time.

Now it works.

2004-10-25T23:39:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems that I can't log into my blogger account tonight so I have to write this in notepad. I'll paste this to my blog as soon as I can. . .I'll have to adjust the date too... anyway.

I've read about 200 pages of DT III: The Waste Lands today. I burned out on it and had to take a nap and a break to clear my head. The book isn't as great as the first two, mainly because not much is happening and it's taking a break from telling the story of Roland to tell of Jake, the boy who does happen to have a lot to do with the story. I just wish they would be brought together already. And what's with the rose? Have anything to do with Walter's speech in the first book at the end about universes? I imagine. . .but I could be wrong.

I was supposed to hang out with my so-called girlfriend Stephanie, today. As you can probably guess by my writing that it didn't happen, again. She stood me up on Friday without calling or anything until Saturday NIGHT(!) at almost 9pm. She called me today from work while she was on lunch and said she would come over after she got off. Didn't. Didn't call. Didn't email me. Didn't do anything. Probably fell asleep again, like she said she did on Friday. She works in a freakin' doctors office, you think she could find out what the fuck is wrong with her sleeping habits. I've been stood up twice in a row by the same girl who apparently thinks she can get away with it. If I let her and do nothing about it, I'm officially the biggest loser in town. I have no intentions of claiming this title. Although waiting to do it in person seems a bad idea since I may never have that opportunity. We'll see. Well, I'll see and you'll get to find out. Trust me, I will go into great detail for all you sadists out there who like to hear about "couples" getting into arguements and/or fights.

Well, that's enough of a rant tonight, I have to get up early again tomorrow for orientation. Hopefully it won't get cancelled like last week while I'm in the shower before heading in. Well, soon I may be updating my webpage again with more journal entries and poetry and I'll probably bring back the quotes at the end of my blogs. These may get more interesting to read as I'll be posting at a more. . .conscience hour. What with working and all. I'll also have money for the bar and may get a drunken rant up every now and again. Drunken writings are always better though because there is no backspace key on a notebook. Speaking of notebooks, did anyone see Stephen King at nights game? I did. He was standing with a notebook under his arm. . .wonder what he was writing. Probably just taking notes to throw into one of his books. He does that, throw in geographical or historical notes that just add to the realism of his stories. Although "Derry" doesn't exist, I bet it does within a town of another name.

Good night, all. . .all but one. 11:38PM October 25, 2004 (finished)

w00t!

2004-10-24T15:47:00.000-04:00

Heh heh. "It's been a while" is becoming my new catch phrase it seems. Let's see, what have I been up to?

Well, first of all, I've finished the Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three and I've started reading the Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands. I'm becoming obsessed with the series and everything involving the story. I can't believe that I didn't start reading it sooner; had I known how great the story is, I would have read it much sooner. I've already bought DT IV: Wizard & Glass, but DT V: Wolves of Calla doesn't come out in paperback until around January. I hate to read hardback books, but it looks like I don't have a choice. They are honestly so great that I cannot allow myself to wait for the paperbacks. I'm already about 1,000 pages into the series and I just started to read them about two weeks ago. Usually it takes me three to four weeks to finish a single 300 page book. The last book that I read before the Dark Tower was A Clockwork Orange, which took a week because it was less interesting, although it was extremely well written in my opinion. Before that was House of Leaves or the Dark Shore: Book One of the Dominions of Irth Series, can't remember which I read first. I read both of those between November of last year and February of this one. House of Leaves is another great book that I will re-read after I'm finished with the Dark Tower. The Dark Shore I don't recommend to anyone unless you are a huge fan of sci-fi/fantasy. I'm not really, I'd rather read a horror or something along those lines.

Somethings have been pissing me off and stressing me out and just plain adding to my general feelings of not being happy. I need to work, I need a car, I need to get my life back in gear and then I can start to work on the little things. I feel myself becoming tight-lipped again. I may need to get some stories out of my head and on paper, or "paper." I need to do something.

Something Different

2004-10-21T04:02:00.000-04:00

I'm going to try something different tonight. I've found myself less motivate to post here or to update my website and I need to change what I'm doing. And I believe what will help is to attempt a short narrative. ...or whatever.

I waited for her under that tree in the middle of the field. It was a large open field with no distinguishing features save a stone terrace with a wrought-iron bench facing it. I sat alone under the tree, the dew on the grass slowly seeping into the bottom of my pants. I sat carefully not to allow the wetness to creep too high on my blue-jeans. I had waited for what seemed like an eternity as it always did. Finally she arrived. She came walking from the dirt parking lot that encircled the playground adjacent to the field -- our field. Walking slowly, allowing her hair to flow with her movements and whip around in the soft breeze. The sunlight sparkling off of her skin and hair, making it appear lighter. Her strawberry-blonde hair curled around her ears and bounced gently against her neck as she approached me. I almost couldn't stand the torturous wait. I stood up and waited for her to finish closing the gap that stood between her and I. A smile crept onto her face as did one on mine and sensing she was about to speak, I leapt forward, grasping her arms with my firm hands. I swung her around me, bringing her body between the tree and mine and pulled her in, closer to me. I could smell the light odor of sweat from her and as it mixed with mine, I pressed my lips against hers and we remained in this embrace for several minutes. Slowly kissing and caressing each others arms, face, shoulders, neck and head. Carefully dragging my fingers through her hair, leaning forward, I moved her toward the ground beside the tree. I leaned over her, still kissing her as she scratched and pulled at my shirt, finally dragging it over my head, pulling my blue-paisly rag with it. I sat up pulling her with me and turning her so that she sat in my lap. She tore at my belt and unzipped my pants exposing my manhood. She stood, lifting her long skirt, showing herself to me before crouching down over me, sinking my shaft into her. Together, we stayed this way, moving slowly, rhythmically with unhurried abandon. The sweat glistened on our skin from our love causing her to glow softly in the fading light. Long shadows cast from the tree overhead and the forest of trees in the distance created a somber view over our love making. She pulled me forward over her and pulled me into her, deeper, with her legs, using them to control my thrusts. The dandelions swayed in the cool wind which blew my damp mop of brown hair, causing droplets of sweat to fall onto the base of her neck and between her soft, inviting breasts. We continued on in this way, I thrusting between her milky legs, for some time. Each enjoying the moment and the beauty of the field in which we lay. In the end, as I reached my climax, she grabbing my shoulders and pulling me in as deep as possible with her thighs - holding me there, the final waves of her orgasms gripping me and starting the first of my gentle explosions. She rolled me over, dragging herself on top of me, kissing my face and chest as I sucked the cool air into my lungs almost gasping for the breath I lost during my final orgasm. Intertwined, we lie there, slowly kissing. My hands lost in the sea of her hair, each of us drowning in the scent of our love. Removed from time, unable to be found. We, at that moment, did not exist on this planet. Carefully, on trembling legs, she stood up, separating our bodies and grabbing my wrists to pull me to my own, shaky feet. We stood in a warm embrace as the remnants of myself slowly trickled down from within her to form new dewdrops onto the flattened grass on which we previously layed. Hand in hand, we walked to her car and we climbed in, she first, and I last. We contemplated for awhile on where we shall go and what we should do. Eventually reaching a conclusion and we drove off, still hand in hand, never looking back, but often coming back to the same tree where we had first held one another.

-------------------------------------------

I don't feel like looking back over this right now, it's almost 4am. I know that there is probably some horrible grammar and spelling and I also imagine that my choice of words probably at times makes this read like a text book. I can't stand the way I write, but maybe there are some of you out there who enjoy the style. Maybe not the subject, I don't always write about sex, but hopefully you enjoyed the manner in which I wrote. Perhaps I shall begin to write fiction (some-what fiction - it's real enough in my head hehe) for my nightly blogs instead of making this a journal.

So

2004-10-18T03:04:00.000-04:00

Boring. It seems that I have nothing to write about tonight. I should have written last night, but I didn't. Saturday's are bad days for me for reasons I refuse to go into with anyone.

My grandmother came to visit today. That's about it.

I found out that my friend, Buck, went to Larry's house last night for a party that turned out to be pretty good. He didn't even tell me about it. I heard from Larry tonight about the party.

I'm keeping pretty tight-lipped tonight for some reason. I guess that I don't want to offend anyone today. Something is wrong with me.

I AM SOFA KING WE TODD IT -- Say it out loud. There's your quote for tonight.

An early night.

2004-10-16T00:54:00.000-04:00

I went out with Stephanie again tonight. I had a lot of fun with her. I always do, I think that's why I want to be with her so much. I feel like... I dunno... I feel sick, drunk and really tired. I don't really even feel like making this post. I'm kinda cranky and need to go to bed.

I'm going to end up finishing "The Dark Tower" either tomorrow or Sunday. I'm not too happy about that because I don't have the second book to get started on. Maybe I should read a book by a different author to kind of break up the story line that way I won't possibly burn out on this series... Tired.

I miss Stephanie right now. I don't know if I should though. I just saw her a few hours ago. We went to the Elkton Diner and then to Happy Forties, which is a liquor store on Route 40. We went somewhere private to drink the booze and then back to my house where she dropped me off. I started to feel sick on the ride home which I thought was caused by the topic of conversation, but as it turns out, it was something altogether different. Probably the fries from Elkton Diner or the Booze. I feel a little better now though... Tired.

I'm going to go to bed and maybe read. I don't like sitting in the dining room where my brother's girlfriend, Jesse, can see me. She's spending the night here and probably tomorrow night too. It kinda creeps me out thinking she's looking at me or something, even though she's probably rolled over, facing the opposite direction. I'm still too nervous to turn and look. G'Night all.

Oh, fuck it. I'll just say it. Nevermind. I can't yet.

"A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist."
- Stewart Alsop

Oh I'm tired.

2004-10-14T23:51:00.000-04:00

I think I'm going to go into my bed-room, turn on the TV with the volume on almost nothing, pick up my book and just read until I pass out and lose my page and probably crumple the book in the night. That's my ideal evening right now. Well, my ideal evening when I'm alone. Can't go into when my girlfriend is around, this wouldn't be a kid-friendly site. ... not that it is now, of course. Fuckity-fuck. There, ruined this post for the kids.

*** Just a note to anyone reading this, there is a lot of talk of jealousy, territorial bull-shit, and other over-bearing domineering prattle. None of it is meant to be taken seriously. This is to be read in a joking manner. Thank You ***

Ugh, I can't get the code right to display a background image on my site that I can put text over using mainly CSS. I only tried for about 15 minutes, changing and adding various variables vagrantly, venturing via vivacious ... *sigh* things. Told you I'm tired.

I'm supposed to see Stephanie after she gets off from work tomorrow. Which probably means after she goes to her weekly dinner with her parents and daily trip to the gym. Ohhh... she told me that tonight a guy hit on her. She said he wasn't "sexy like [me]," and that he was a "dork." That doesn't matter. You see, I'm a guy. And another guy happened upon my girlfriend. I, by nature, am forced to run him off, or see to it that he cannot mate again. Usually by killing him. (Think of Lions in the Saranghetti, I think I spelled that right.) Now I have to travel around everywhere that she might go, urinating all the way. Kidding. I don't have that much urine. How would I know that, you ask? Don't ask, I say. It's all very animalistic if you were to ask, which I told you not to. Seriously, now I'm demanding that you refrain from asking dangerous questions. 'Cause one swipe of my paw and you're not going to be getting up again... Did I just say 'paw?' Either way, my jealousy will kill anyone who stands in my way.

Oh, I'm going to end this here now. In reality, I'm not that jealous. I don't really care that some guy hit on her, sure it bothered me for a few moments, but it's going to happen. I have a very attractive girlfriend and when she is somewhere out without me, guys are going to (at the very least) hope that she's single. They're going to automatically assume she's interested either way. That's what bothers me. Well, if things go well enough, long enough, there will be a ring around her finger that says "Back-off or he'll kill you." Seriously, I'm gonna have that engraved on her ring. The outside of the ring. And it'll be colored in so that you can see it from half a room away. I wonder if this really works: </sarcasm> Let's see. I wouldn't really engrave the ring unless I was to put something loving and meaningful inside the band that would tell her how much I cherished and loved her. I did, however, find the idea of engraving the outside amusing. Yep, all sarcasm has been drained from the rest of this post. Time to go.

"Love is an alliance of friendship and animalism; if the former predominates it is passion exalted and refined; if the latter, gross and sensual."
- Charles Caleb Colton

Damn...

2004-10-14T09:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I haven't posted in a bit. Probably because I've been busy coding on my site. It's just about to the point where I only have to add stuff as it happens. I might go back and adjust the color scheme after I see it on a friends computer. My monitor just doesn't display colors and video and things right.

Last night, Stephanie saw this site. I was nervous that I might have said something that would offend her. You see, I don't edit what I say on here, I don't really pay attention, I just sit and type without thinking. Sort of just letting my mind flow from one topic to the next, trying to keep it limited to four. So truthfully, I don't really even remember what I've said before on this. I had sent her the link to my website to look at the photo albums I have there and within a minute she was asking me about a post I made a week ago - Three dreams, three nights. Then just as quickly, she had found the link to the other blog of mine that is about the relationship she and I had a year ago. I had said a few ... less than flattering things. One had really bothered her, and I understand why. I had made something that someone had said to me in past sound as if I truely believed it. And had I really believed it, that would have been incredibly ignorant. Another problem with that blog is that although I had created the web version of it in Sept. '04, I had actually written the original in May '04. That was about a month after we broke up so I was still angry and bitter towards her. At least I was trying to be. In truth, I was still hurting and just wanted to get over it and move on. I thought by writing it down, that it would help. It did. But it wasn't healthy.

Moving on. In books, I've finished A Clockwork Orange and have moved onto The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger. I read a third of the book yesterday and I'll probably finish it soon. I hope my father has the second book. I won't have a paycheck before I finish the book, I fear.

Speaking of paychecks, I did get the job at Wal-Mart and go for orientation Tuesday, the 19th at 9am. It's not a bad job and it's not bad pay. I hope... Anyway, hopefully my nightly posts will begin again starting with tonights. Also, when the hell is blogger going to update my profile. I've made like 5 posts since it's been updated! Ohh, I gotta update all the links for my website - I changed the title a bit.

But I don't want a title

2004-10-12T03:07:00.000-04:00

So I ain't making one. Oops, too late, already did. Damn, they tricked me again!

Wow! My modem didn't go offline tonight. I spoke with my friend, Buck, who has Comcast Cable, has been losing his service at the same times. I figured it was Comcast doing something. Not sure what. Maybe upgrading the internet for us. That was an actual April Fools Joke that the local Newspaper played on people this year. I know some people (won't mention names) who were nervous about losing their stuff that they uploaded to the 'net. They really thought the internet was going to be shut-down to be cleaned and updated. OMG, what a bunch of geeks, LOL! I feel dumber for having even mimicked that.

I called up Wal-Mart today, being that it's been almost a full week since my interview to see if my background check had been returned. O, my brothers, it had. And I was asked to take a drug test, which "Your Humble Narrator"© did.

It is so hard to stay awake right now. If you see a quote at the end of this post, it's because I came back in the morning to put one there. I don't know what I... nevermind, I already know the quote I want to use. So, uh... G'Night all.

"Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."
- Mark Twain

Guess Who?

2004-10-11T02:12:00.000-04:00

Well, I've only had two pots of coffee today (roughly 10 cups) so I have definately cut back on my caffine intake. That's good, but I've also desired a cigarette a couple times. Seems I can't quit one without wanting the other. Whatever, I'd rather drink coffee than smoke. At least only my breath will give me away and not my person as a whole. Seriously, all you smokers out there, you stink. I'm serious. I never realized it because I was busy smoking, myself.

I've read more of my book and am about half-way through. I didn't put up the dictionary like I promised yesterday, but then again, no one reads what I have to say so no one is missing the dicionary but me. I spent this early morn coding for my new page. "My New Nightmare" it's to be called. Less crap, more filler. Or something like that. I've stolen small bits of code. Well, really just stealing the info on what variable names I came apply to different tags and whatnot. So it's not like what I'm using isn't on millions of websites in an identical manner.

I also wrote a few lines today in one of my journals. I also did last night before my post but was agitated last night so I didn't speak of it. I haven't been doing any writing before this since I started this blog. I'm quite proud of myself.

I hope to have the coding on my site finished by tomorrow night and have the pages uploaded and ready for viewing. It seems that the pictures I take when my family are around turn out to mean so much more. I guess that's because there is a bit of a story behind each picture and why I wanted to capture that exact moment. Even if it seems like it was just a random moment, there was a reason I lifted the camera to view my life through the view-finder. Hmm... Just gave myself the idea for a book.

I'm tired and I'm going to try to get some work done tomorrow in my basement. I also have to call Wal-Mart to ask if they have received my background check as of yet. Hopefully they did and I can go get the drugtest out of the way. I hate those things. Especially this one testing facility in Newark on Main Street. The wall above the toilet in the bathroom has a little sliding door on it that can't be locked. It's right about at waist height and the woman (probably not even a nurse) sits right on the other side waiting for you to finish. Last time I went there I couldn't go. I had just tucked myself away when she just slid the door open without any kind of warning. If they send me there, I'll bring a heavy jacket to prop in front of that little door and also pee in the sink just to cover myself.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

Two quotes today. I just couldn't resist with that one. Here's the real one:

"Nobody should smoke cigarettes - and smoking with an ulcer is like pouring gasoline on a burning house."
- Dr. Sara Murray Jordan

'What's it going to be then, eh?'

2004-10-10T03:40:00.000-04:00

Oh, I am so sick of my Motorola cable modem crashing. I suspect it's Comcast and not the modem itself. It was down for about an hour and a half earlier while I was trying to setup Trillian, a IM program that replaces and yet doesn't replace AIM, Y!, ICQ, MSN and mIRC. I don't much care for this program. It's ... convinient, I guess... Anyway, while I was 'localized', I read a few chapters of A Clockwork Orange, O my brothers.

My brother has one of his little droogs over for the night of his birth. Really annoying it is. They've been upstairs in his room carrying on with screaming at a video game and such rubbish.

I didn't speak at all with Stephanie today. I didn't expect I would. I wish my little ptitsa was here with me. Ahh, my devotchka. I'm really starting to care for her a lot. I don't think that my feelings ever truly went away. Merely burried where I could ignore them and try to move on. I could never completly forget her no matter how hard I had tried.

I've gotta turn in, my brother is being very disgusting and I fear I cannot hold my breath any longer. Even if I had only twice the brains he has, I would have never snuck around the house or even out of it. Listening to him and his droog govoreet is driving me bezoomny. I'll post a 'dictionary' on my website tomorrow for all of you who have never read the book.

I promise that I will never use so many words from the book in another post for as long as I shall live, so help me Bog. I mean God! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

"Life is a wretched gray Saturday, but it has to be lived through."
- Anthony Burgess

It's been a little while.

2004-10-09T10:39:00.000-04:00

I didn't get around to posting last night because my modem was acting up. Apparently Comcast was upgrading or doing something because my friends modem was down too. Oh, well. I tried to upload a photo album to my website and found out, something was amiss.

I went on an actual date with Stephanie last night. Since I'm unemployed, she had to pay for everything. This would be more than enough reason for me to feel like total shit, had I not already dated her when she was unemployed and would generally refrain from paying even if she had money. I still feel like shit anyway.

We went to this little mexican restaurant which is about a mile from my house and had some drinks there. We also ate the complimentary tortilla chips. They make a terrible "Mexican Coffee." We left to go to Aria Cafe, formerly Jamin' Java, in Newark. We drank there and I took some pictures of the paintings and then of her. She deleted some of the them and started taking pictures of me. Ugh, I hate the pictures of me.

After I got home, I emptied the flash card onto the computer and headed over to my friends house. Buck and Amanda had their and my friend, Greg, over. Amanda immediately went to take a shower and when she came back down, chased me and Greg out so she could go to bed. On my way out, I saw Timmy (Buck's younger brother), rooting around in his Dad's car with a flash light. I went around the other cars to talk to him and it turned out to be Colton's (Buck's other younger brother), girlfriend or something. Either way, it was some young girl I didn't know, who was shining a flashlight in my eyes. I walked back to my house.

I really wanted to get to posting the pictures on my webpage, but the modem was still down. I wanted to show the pictures to Stephanie, but she wouldn't get the email until today anyway. Which reminds me, I've got to email her.

Three dreams, three nights.

2004-10-07T10:27:00.000-04:00

Alright, I was going to ignore this but for the last three nights, I've awoke from having a dream about Stephanie in the early morning. So I'll post what I remember from the first two and the all of the third.

It started when I awoke on the 5th of October. I was having a dream that I was talking with Stephanie about a problem I was having with her. I remember it being something about her not telling the truth or something similar. On the morning of the 6th, the dream was a bit better but unimaginative. We were just hanging out together. I don't remember where though. It was nice... I guess. Heh, better than fighting.

This morning, the seventh, I remember this dream better. Stephanie was out somewhere and I happened upon her sitting in her car. I came up to her and asked if she wanted to hang out together. She told me to go sit in my car, from where I could see her from behind. She made a few phone calls while I made one of my own. I called my friends girlfriend, Amanda, to see what she made of the situation. Stephanie had to call some guy who she called "AJ" and asked him if it was okay if she were to hang out with someone else. She had either started calling this "AJ" a different name or made a different phone call. The new name was "John" or something generic like that. She then asked him if she could change plans to do something else. She finally made a third phone call to a female that I remember being her mother. The dream ended before either of us exited our vehicles.

Well, in reality, I don't own a car at present, nor a cellphone for which to call Amanda. Also, in the dream I was angered that Stephanie was calling these guys because she had already made plans with them. But now that I'm awake and have time to think about it, she was cancelling the plans so that she could spend time with me. This is something that I have to learn. I'm the type of guy who doesn't like his girlfriend talking or associating with other guys, especially ex-boyfriends. That isn't good because that is just a sign that I don't trust her. She has betrayed my trust in the past, but this is supposed to be a new, fresh start. The final call to her mother was almost the same as the first two calls because her mother hates me and, I'm sure, does NOT want Stephanie and I together. One thing I cannot explain about these dreams, Stephanie, in the dreams, has her original dark brown hair color. Not the blonde that she has now.

My dreams are usually very intuitive about what is really going on around me. I still can't shake the feeling of Stephanie having another boyfriend as being the reason for this last dream. (I know the reasoning for the previous two and they would require their own post, but, nah.) I can't exactly ask her, but I know how to handle it. Well, handle her, I believe. I've pondered why she is the way she is and believe me, I've had a lot of time to think and used a good portion of that time for a while. I hope that I've figured her out and can deal with it. I've relaxed a lot and know that if a relationship doesn't work out, it's probably for the best. And if not, they'll come back. She did. And I really hope that we're both ready this time. She is 'The One.'

Haunted House?

2004-10-07T03:40:00.000-04:00

Haven House. It may be haunted. I don't know much about it and there isn't really anyway to find out. It's probably just an old house that was once used as a Doctors Office and later abandoned. It's still spooky fun to explore it in the middle of the night with flashlights.

I don't feel like posting much, it's so late... or early. Well, I saw Stephanie tonight. For about 10 minutes. She was in a hurry to go to the gym. No matter what she thinks, she is incredibly sexy the way she is now. She wants to loose 10-20 lbs, but she doesn't need to. She is in great shape. Heh, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was in love with her.

I took my lip ring out today. It feels better not having it in and I think I look better without it. So now, I'm down from eleven to five piercings. I may add a hafada again if I feel like it. I might have to have a professional do it since last time it migrated and left a scar. Yeah, do a search for a hafada piercing and think about where I have a scar. I don't care much for that. The scar is hard to see unless you know where to look. And what that area looked like before the piercing...

Well, I'm really tired. I'm going to look for a quote now... hmmm. Gotta decide a topic for the quote. Three great topics to choose from my post today. Haunted houses, great loves --! I mean, uh... pretty girls, and scarring. Maybe I could get a great quote involving all three! Yeah, I didn't think so either. I found one that I think fits. I know what I think it means and that's all that matters. But I am tired.

"On earth there is no heaven, but there are pieces of it."
- Jules Renard

...

2004-10-06T13:50:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to say. This isn't my normal time to post so this feels really weird. The sun is still up and everyone in the house is about. I'm very agitated.

I went to the interview yesterday. It went well enough that I was invited back for a second interview with the Store Manager, Mike at 3:30 yesterday. I went to that and depending on my background check results, I pretty much have the job. Oh yeah, the drug test too, but I don't do drugs. No worries there. I've gotta shave and remove my lip ring. Maybe my earrings too. Dunno yet. They didn't have the overnight stock position that I wanted, but oh well.

It seems like I've gotten into a habit of posting a quote at the end of my little rants or whatever you want to call them. Not this one, maybe the post tonight. As I said, this feels strange, posting during daylight hours. Eewww.

Another Day...

2004-10-04T23:35:00.000-04:00

No dollars. I have my interview tomorrow. I'm tired already. I'm probably going to keep this one short as I'm taking a break from learning CSS proper. It's amazing, no matter how well you think you know something/someone, you can always find something you didn't expect if you look hard enough.

I missed the girl I like today. I mean physically missed her. I went out with my parents and my sister not even 15 minutes before she came by. Eh, it's her fault as I had called her cell just before I left. She had to be on her way over when I called and should have answered. Maybe she should have called before she left. Whatever, I'm not going to beat myself up over this. I do feel bad for some reason, but I'm fighting it off.

I wanted to go out with my friend tonight to an abandoned doctor's office. I wanted to get some shots inside of it and the "mansion" next door to it. I could get some really creepy photos inside of them. I'm too tired and besides, I have to get up a bit earlier tomorrow for the interview.

Halloween is coming up. It's my favorite holiday, followed by Christmas. I'm not in the mood for either though. I'm going to force myself to be excited about Halloween starting tomorrow. I had a nice one last year. I think. I think I might have gotten drunk. I wish I could remember it. Well, I was dating this girl then and I was still documenting our relationship so I could just go through that to find out what I did that night. Too lazy. Heh, the notebook is just under my bed and I can't get the energy to look at it. Oh well.

I wish that people would view my blog and leave me comments. Advice on what they think I should do about stuff... It's my fault, as I don't ask the questions and I think that I write too much for most people to read through. Again, oh well. Fuck you all, you'll never understand me. I'm sorry. Please don't leave me.

"He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven."
- Thomas Fuller

Help me out here.

2004-10-04T01:48:00.000-04:00

When you make plans to do something with someone, you try to stick to it. And if something does come up, you call and let them know, right? Even if the plans aren't set in stone, even if you don't know what you're going to do or even what time you're going to do whatever, you should call and let the other person know if you aren't going to be able to do said whatever. Alright, I'll tell you what happened instead of just confusing you.

Yesterday I was supposed to get together with 'X' (obviously changed name...). Well, it didn't happen but 'X' did call a few times to let me know. That's fine. I knew what to expect. Today. 'X' and I were going to try to meet up again. Only, this was to not be. 'X' never called, never emailed me, never tried to contact me once to let me know that they had other plans. This bothered me. A friend came over earlier today and was here for about 20 minutes while I looked for some plumber's tape for them. His girlfriend stopped over and they left shortly after that. I could've gone with them. I could've found out if they wanted to go watch a local band practice tonight. But I didn't know what my plans were with 'X' so I couldn't. I didn't mind though because it was about 1:30pm and the day was still young enough to do other things. Another friend called around 4pm and asked what I was doing. Instead of blowing off the 'plans' I had made the day before, I stuck to them and didn't go with this friend either. After 10pm tonight, I'm playing with a new program that I have when 'X' comes online to inform me of what happened. Actually not really. They were just checking their email and saw that I happened to be on. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make a big deal out of this but it seems like I am anyway. It's not a big deal. Just pick up the phone and call and say, I'm sorry but I can't see you today. It'll take 20 seconds. There are very few things that could happen that I would excuse someone for not taking the minute out of their time to call. Maybe you were being shot at by someone. Perhaps you had been kidnapped. Like I said, not many excuses. But, as if to completely disagree with what I've just posted, it doesn't really matter. I really wasted my own time by not taking the initiative and just going out. I'm supposed to meet up with 'X' tomorrow after they get off from work, but I won't be home until then. I don't have anything to do before that time, but you better believe that I'll be doing nothing to the fullest. Out of the house and away from phones and computers.

Wow, I am really tired tonight. I've been trying to create a mini-banner for my website to put with the others on this page, but I am just terrible with animating using AMI's gif Construction Set Professional. I guess I'll have to dig out PSP's animation program. See how I do with it. I also finally have a flash program, unfortunately, I still haven't learned how to script it.

Well, if I'm this tired now, I better start the rest of my pre-bed routine so I can actually make it to my bed. Two days left until my interview at Wal-Mart. My friend that came over today said that Wal-Mart pays more than I thought they would for overnight stockers. That's good. I was expecting crap pay. Depending on that and if I get the job, there may be a new link on the right side of the page...

Anyway, Good night everyone and here's a great quote for a place such as this. Yes, I fall into this category too...

"Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar."
- Edward R. Murrow

I just watched a great movie!!

2004-10-02T23:34:00.000-04:00

I know I'm a little late but, has anyone here seen "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?" I really love that movie. There are very few instances in which Jim Carrey acts like Jim Carrey and I love (!) Kate Winslet anyway. I definately recommend watching this movie if you haven't. And if you have, watch it again; I think I'm going to. The only thing I didn't really care for was the very end. I'd have rather seen things work out the way I wanted them to. I went through a relationship (surprise!) where I would have wanted to have the same treatment to forget about it. Only I know I wouldn't really want to forget and I would only want it to change.

Yesterday, I wrote about wanting to write but being unable to because of my laziness. It's also because of a general lack of creativity lately. Well, while watching the aforementioned movie, I had an idea for something to write about. I don't think I could flesh it out into a 300+ page novella or anything but I could turn it into a short story. I'm better at those and apparently, so was H.P. Lovecraft. When Joel's character was in his apartment and his memories (and belongings) began to appear and disappear from his mind, I had the idea for my story. Now to incorporate Mark Z. Danielewski and I'll have completed my goals and can die happy. At the ripe age of 23, I'm ready to die. (No, I'm not, really.) But this idea will sound cliche'd and so what? Like there are ever any new ideas when it comes to writing horror.

It seems that my writing has taken a back seat to my blog/journal entries. I haven't created one new piece of fiction or poetry since I started this. Actually, I should say two new pieces, I did create one that I wasn't satisfied with. Oh, well.

Also, I got a new pair of shoes today. I'm kinda excited about that, as the last time I got a new pair was a little over two years ago. I'm a guy, I don't buy shoes. Truthfully, the only reason I got shoes today was because my mom bought them. I would have worn (and I still will) my "old" shoes until they fell (fall) apart. My new ones are mostly dark blue with bits of grey and are made by Sketchers. They are considered "Athletic" shoes, I'm not sure what gives them this distinction. At Kohl's today, I noticed there were several different distinction of shoes: "Athletic," "Walking," "Running," "Basketball" and the normal "Boots." I found this amusing: "Men's" shoes were the so-called dress and casual shoe that didn't fit into the above categories. Like Moccasins, deck shoes and such. Men in the shoe section of department stores have too much free time to think about such trivial things as the differentia of foot wear. At least, I do.

I was reading Mark Twain today and I wanted to share this. I also feel it's a good way to end this post.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
- Mark Twain

I added my picture.

2004-10-01T20:24:00.000-04:00

I figured it wouldn't really matter if anyone saw what I looked like. Seriously, who's gonna come look for me, even if they live in the same town. Elkton isn't a big town, but then again, it isn't small either. If you feel like looking up the population density for the town or whatever, go for it; while you're at it, you can tell me how many people live in this town.

Anyway, it's not a great picture, it's kinda small and blurry. I've gotta get some better ones. I'm going to be taking my lip ring out (probably for good) and at least trimming my goatee (whatever you call it - devil-beard...) so I need to get some photos before they are gone.

I can't wait until Tuesday for my interview at Wal-Mart. I'm actually excited about working there. I can't wait to have money coming in. I've got like three different corporations sending me to collection agencies because I haven't been able to pay my bills. I shouldn't laugh about it... actually, I don't laugh about it. I did at first, but since then I've "matured." Gawd, that sounds dumb.

I've felt like writing for the past two days but haven't because I get distracted way too easily. I need to sit down and come up with a story line or something. I'm partial to horror and really want to write something along the lines of House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski. Only problem is, it's been done and I'm afraid if I did put the effort in to make it seem like his book, it would be judged against his and I would just be called a hack or something. So, I quit before I can even start. That's pretty much the what I'm like.

I grow tired of this. Goodbye.

Been A Few Days

2004-09-30T12:11:00.000-04:00

I was kinda excited yesterday. I finally got a call-back for an application I filled out. Not many jobs in Elkton right now. I'm not terribly excited about the prospect of working for Wal-Mart but overnight stock is more respectable than cashier. At least in my opinion. But who am I to judge? If I see someone working as a cashier somewhere I don't judge them. I only judge myself in these and actually, in any situation, I only judge myself. I'm my own worst critic.

Let's see. Stephanie is still in Missouri as far as I know. I should send her an email to see what's up. I don't think anyone in the state there owns a computer though and I doubt the library has gotten past paper yet so if she's still there, I won't hear anything 'til she gets back. Maybe I should call her cell... Who knows what I'm supposed to do.

I've been listening to Eminem today, "The Eminem Show." I'm trying to start listening to all types of music but I still can't bring myself to stomach country music. I'm not saying that I like rap, but I can listen to Eminem. I like his rhymes. Apparently, according to his album, he won custody of his daughter, Hailie. I'm happy for him. He raps about her more than he does any one other topic... Or maybe I just noticed that more. I need to stop listening to it though, my writings are starting to seem more like a rap than any other type of poetry. That's not good as I'm not a rapper. As you can see, I'm not much of anything.

Ahh, I can't wait to start working again. I should be in the basement right now, priming the walls for paint. I still have a small section that needs to be dry-walled but it's a tricky angled piece that's going around a corner along the ceiling. There's a lot of angles that have to be accounted for that I just don't feel like getting into just yet. "Paint and putty are a carpenter's buddy." So I guess I don't really need to think too much. Heh.

Well, I'm going to do some stuff. Hopefully it'll be constructive, not involving sitting here at the computer. Whatever.

What is on my mind.

2004-09-27T02:29:00.000-04:00

Smoking.
I quit about 3 weeks ago and for some reason, today was a tough day for it. Nothing really happened that I would need a cigarette. I don't know. Although everytime I feel I might want one, I have to drink some coffee. Now I'm afraid that I'm going to get addicted to that!

Although I have been able to stop drinking coffee anytime I want by switching to Ginger Ale and Flavored Waters from Wal-Mart. I like the Peach-Melba Burst the best. The Strawberry is good too and if you drink a little out of it, you can fill them back up with some rum and it's even better.

Anyway, last time I quit smoking I had quit for nine months. My sister got me back into it when she wanted me to taste her Salems or whatever she smoked then. She's moved onto Marlboro Reds. I guess Salems are the gateway cigarette. My gateway cigarettes would have to be the Camel Exotic Blends. Although they did come in a really cool metal tin. Only reason I switched from them was because they were about $1.50 more per pack. In my area of Maryland, cigarettes cost about $3.80+tax. Well, you can jump right across the state line to Delaware and buy them for about $2.75 a pack without tax. They tried to make this illegal by telling us that we can only carry two packs across the state line. Who the fuck is going to listen to that law?

Like I said, it's been about a month this time and today I wanted one. A Marlboro Menthol. I had gone from the Camel Exotic blends to Marlboro Milds, to Marlboro Bolds (Green and Blue packs here on the East Coast), then I switched to Marlboro Methol and would occasionally smoke Camel Jade Lights. They were good for a change and sometimes I actually prefered them. Fucking tobacco companies.

Now I sound like an alcoholic and a professional smoker! HA! I drink very rarely although I have a feeling that it's going to start back up a little more often again. Borderline alky as my mom would put it, although she assured me I wasn't.

Yeah, I'm 23 and living at home. What? I moved out when I was 16 and didn't move back home until around the time I started smoking again. So that was, what? Seven, Eight years? I had a new girlfriend and she didn't like me living with my ex. I didn't have much choice as I was already head over heels for this new girl.

She didn't help with me smoking either. All the fuckin' stress of that relationship. I wouldn't have traded it for anything, though. I have a lot of fond memories. Wait, traded it no, changed it, hell yeah! Some of it was a fucking pain in the ass! I, like everyone else, wish I had a time machine and could go back. I know the exact day and time (almost). All I'd have to do is change one word that I said. From "No." to "Hi!" Same amount of letters and no more effort. But that wouldn't have changed shit about what I wanted it to, just now we'd be serving under the Martians rule in the invasion of last month or some shit. What the hell am I babbling about. I better keep myself in check for the rest of the night. Or just go to bed.

What fun is that, the girl I like is in Missouri - over a 1,000 miles away and thinking about that, the day she gets back, I'm going to make my intentions clear. I should say the day I see her after she gets back. I'm going to tell her that I still care about her deeply and I want to know truthfully how she feels 'cause I feel I deserve to know. Before she would've told me that I don't deserve to know and I would have listened to her. LOL! There's more proof of the blinders.

But anyway, I've been trying to talk to you about smoking. Or to myself I should say, who the fuck is reading this drivel? So, me, you don't need a cigarette, if you do get addicted to coffee and caffeine, you can switch to alcohol and if you get addicted to that you can join AA and meet people who like coffee and start all over again. What with all the stress of maybe having a girl who likes coffee all the time, I'll need the cigarettes.

Maybe I should cut back on the caffeine?

2004-09-27T01:51:00.000-04:00

Alright, after having lost about 300 words of the last attempt at this, I'm going to try again before going to bed. I want to try to do some conscience streaming, if that's what you call it. I'm just going to write down the thoughts as I have them. So this may be hard to follow but it'll make perfect sense to me... Enjoy! hehe

First I'd like to tell you that I have my eyes closed and I'm not going to edit what I'm typing. So if I misspell something or use improper grammar, sue me.

There's this girl that I like. She says that she likes me but we haven't seen each other in about half a year. She says she never stopped thinking about me and wants me back. Well, I haven't told her but I've felt the same way, if she does, in fact, feel that way also. I haven't thought about her everyday since the last time I saw her, but she comes up in my thoughts more often than I let on and I even dreamt of her a few times.

I'd go through some tough times when I wanted her and knew I couldn't have her. Back to the point, she wants me. Me!!! I'm not saying that I'm no prize, because I'm not, but then again, I consider myself a decent catch. D-E-C-E-N-T. I'm not egotistical or anything so don't accuse me of it. She said that she still feels that she's in love with me from before and that just makes me so happy. And yet, I still can't feel as strongly now as I did then. But then again, she hurt me terribly then and I've only seen her twice now.

I want to believe her and listen to all of her pretty words as she coo's them, but she has lied so many times in the past to make me feel better and to hide her true feelings that I find it hard to know what she is thinking now. Although that makes for an interesting relationship where I'd never know what to expect, I need some sort of emotional foot-hold with her. I'd need to know that she feels the way she says she does. I know that in time, provided she truly does feel this way and has stopped the lies, that I will believe her even more than I did before. I did doubt her but my doubts, some of them, proved true. She's not the smartest person I've met (but that's not to say she's some kinda dummy. She's a lot smarter than most people I know) and when she broke up with me, I felt even worse for having been tricked. I thought that I should have been able to see through all the lies and the bull-shit. But I didn't. But it wasn't her. It was me.

I blinded myself to the the lies and forced myself to believe it. I wasn't being force fed the BS, I gladly smashed my face into the plate and devoured it gluttonously. No more. I've had my fill and I like to believe that I have grown since then. It's been a short time, I'll admit but I believe that I won't blind myself to feel good.

The world isn't that pretty of a place anymore. I've been hurt and I don't.... no, I won't be hurt again.

So, world, try it. I'm here, think you can hurt me?

Give me your best shot.

I can't sleep...

2004-09-26T01:53:00.000-04:00

I fucking hate being unable to sleep. She's 1,000 miles away and I miss her more, now that she's closer. (It's all relative, I assure you.) I want to sleep but I'm afraid of what will come in the few hours before sunrise. The start of a new day brings with it the remembrance of forgotten memories and renewed pain. I actually can't wait. My writing has improved and I am starting to feel like using my computer to help with that and actually put down my journal!

Really, I just created this account and wanted to write something before I went to bed. I can't stand to start something and not at least begin work on it.

I'm going to make another post about how I feel about this girl I know. If I finish it and it's there, read it, if it's not there then obviously you can't read it. I'm lazy and tired and have no idea if I can complete it to my standards. Maybe a cup of coffee will help. I love you, Gevalia.

She went to Missouri and I had a break down

2004-09-26T01:08:00.000-04:00

Ahh, the girl that I'm interested in, (deeply), left for Missouri this morning. We had (kinda) planned to go to Maine together today but her previous plans with her parents were re-instated and she shipped out with them instead. Now, I'm left alone to fight the battle on all fronts with no backup support. Oh, well. I've dragged my wounded body out of worse fire-fights before. Maybe I'll go into more detail about the relationship(s) (that's right, plural!) that I've had with her later on in another post.

I kinda had a break down today. NOT MY FAULT THOUGH! I haven't worked since July and I haven't been able to get a job since then. I wrecked my car shortly before that and the insurance money didn't cover what I still owed. My "friends" in the back of the wreck sued and got money for minor injuries. Using this insurance money, they got themselves a car (the first time they've had more than $200.00 and didn't spend it on drugs) while I'm still paying for a car I don't have with money that I'm not earning. I wish that I had gotten three staples in the back of my head from not wearing my seatbelt and sleeping on another persons lap... Or maybe I should just go give her 30 more staples in her F**kin' head. No, if I had gotten money out of it, I'd still be mad, so there's only one thing to do to relieve my anger. Where'd I put my heavy duty, industrial staple gun and the 3/4" staples?